SERVING AS A WIFE, MUM & PASTOR

Dinah came to know Christ at a young age encountering physical persecution for her faith. Later she did a degree in public relations and journalism in Australia. Upon graduation, she began a career in public relations consultancy. After which she spent a few more years in corporate communications with a healthcare organisation.

Interestingly, just before graduation she received a prophecy that she will marry a pastor. That she did without realising when she got married to Ben in 1992. She had all along intended to remain single until Ben convinced her otherwise!

Dinah was one of the original five to pioneer Hope Church (S) in 1991. Throughout this time, she was also involved in spearheading several ministries and led a diverse people groups – from kids to working adults to families. She enjoys the outdoors – away from the built-up urban environment in Singapore. One of her indulgences is having a freshly brewed cup of coffee with freshly baked good, grainy bread!

THE PROVERBS 31 ASPIRANT:
Serving as Wife, Mum & Pastor

I have found this to be true after I got married - whenever I introduce myself, it is almost as if my identity is incomplete until I add the line, “I am (also) Ben’s wife.” I don’t remember having to wrestle with my identity when I was single!

It’s like an identity crisis; sometimes you are unintentionally made to feel like you are living in your husband’s shadow. It is as though a very different image or impression is formed about you when you are known as a leader’s (pastor’s) wife.

The fact is: the spouse of any leader is in a very unique position. The responsibilities and demands of a leader naturally puts him in the spotlight and the center of attention. This may easily (and unconsciously) lead to the spouse’s life revolving around him. I have known wives who seem to enjoy the attention and those who loathe the stress of being viewed as a leader’s wife.


[Ministry in Singapore]

The point is not about whether we like it or not – it is about having a clear Godly recognition of who we are in the web of relationships we have in ministry. I have discovered that without that clear understanding of who I am, I can most easily slip into many “traps”.

A few of these common “traps” include:

• always trying to live up to people’s expectation – whether real or perceived; and it plagues you with guilt and frustration.

• comparison with other leaders’ wives – can’t I just be like so and so, shouldn’t I be in the limelight as so and so, shouldn’t I be travelling like so and so, shouldn’t I be doing this and that like so and so, etc.

• insecurity which then causes unhealthy emotions like envy, jealousy or resentment which devour you and you struggle to celebrate someone else’s success and fruitfulness.

The way out of these “traps” is for each of us to understand that first and foremost, I am a child of God. I am a disciple of Christ. God has wired me uniquely and endowed me with gifts and talents to steward.

I serve out of this identity in Christ. What exactly I do in church much depends on:

• the development stage of the church – is it pioneering, small, growing or maturing?
• the needs of the church
• the best fit with my (life) experiences, gifts, talents and passion.
  

The gamut of roles you can ever play to meet the demands of a pioneering or growing church is immense. In fact, it can be overwhelming.


[Ministry in North America]

Hence, it is not a one-size-fits-all or a stereotyping that every leader’s wife must “perform” certain roles. This mindset creates an unspoken rift of expectations which are not helpful to both the wife and the flock.

Having said that, I’m not suggesting that wives should start drawing rigid boundaries. On the contrary, we need to be stretching and growing by stepping out of our comfort zones. It’s about possessing the spirit of being willing to do anything we can to advance the Kingdom.

As I reflect on the past 16 years, I am thankful for the many opportunities to serve in different roles and responsibilities over the changing seasons in my life. Sure, given a preference, there were roles that I rather not engaged in; but the irony was that my biggest spiritual growth spurts arose from these roles!

I was a single adult in my early 20s when five of us pioneered Hope Church Singapore. For the next five years, I served energetically as any young adult with my husband; while holding a job in the marketplace. We were directly involved with the growing young adults ministry. Though married, I was still as good as any single gal, in that my time and mobility have not changed a great deal. The adjustments were almost negligible.

When I became pregnant with the twins, though a little clumsy at six or seven months – I was still able to move about actively. I remember the times of hopping up and down crowded buses to get across the causeway to Johor Bahru (Malaysia) to minister in our then daughter church, Hope JB.

My world turned upside down when I became a mother! In a sense, I was not prepared for what was to come. In a flash, my time, my resources, my attention to others, my mobility were no longer mine.

The opportunity cost is high with a child. It gets even higher when the second or a third child comes along. Ben and I have been blessed with a pair of twins. So we became first-time parents of two kids “overnight” at a time when our church was undergoing a major leadership transition in 1996.


[Ministry in Africa & Europe]

I left the marketplace six months after our twins were born so as to devote time to both our twins and ministry. For the following seven years, I worked part-time in the church office – leading the Family ministry and pioneering our Community Services ministry, Hope Centre. It was also during this time (in year 2000) that our church embarked on our capital campaign to purchase Nexus auditorium. One very memorable project was leading our church first-ever mega fund raising carnival. I recall lugging our 4-year-old twins for our project meetings.

This phase of ministry was challenging. The availability of a mom with young children is very limited. Our Hope maxim of serving God fully all the time takes on a new dimension. The truth is, mothers of young child(ren) often struggle with the basics of meeting with God regularly, let alone cope with ministry.

On the one hand, I recognise my limitations as a mum, compared to my carefree days as a single and being married without kid(s). I come to understand and accept the many additional responsibilities that I now have towards my child(ren) which will inevitably take up a lot of me; leaving me little to devote to others.

On the other hand, as a Kingdom-centred mom, I have to learn the delicate balance of meeting the needs of the young child(ren) and yet not be dictated by them nor use the kid(s) as an excuse to serve any less. Not to mention also having to navigate in the arduous and competitive education system in Singapore.

But it does mean that my expression of serving God fully will take on a different capacity. It also changes with the age of the child(ren). I recall when my twins were younger, I scaled down on teaching and public roles. I took on more ‘behind the scene” roles. For me, this arrangement helped me best to balance the demands of family, ministry and work.

Today, I’m a mom of pre-teen school-going kids and I serve as a pastor as well as the church General Manager; along with a growing responsibility of overseeing our churches in the Americas with Ben.

The demands of a leader’s wife are enormous and complex. I’m walking on a tightrope all the time. It is a tough balancing act. Do I trip and fall? Of course I do. In fact, frequently! But I’ve grown rather fearless of the falls because of the security of God’s safety net.

I have discovered and experienced time after time, the marvelous hand of God which enables and empowers His servant; beyond who I am and what I can do naturally.

Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power which is at work wihin us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations….”

is God’s Word which emboldens me all the time as I walk on the tightrope.

It’s not about expectations nor making an impression; it’s not about having to keep up any pretense of being “superwoman.” It’s ALL about a heart posture that seeks to do the utmost in serving God in whatever and wherever you are most needed for this season in time to maximise the advancement of God’s Kingdom. The “whatever” and “wherever” of serving will at times fit us just right; whilst there will be occassions when it will be challenging.


[Ministry in South America]

The bottom line is: we are called to be faithful. Free yourself from the “traps” because

1 Peter 4:10-11 tells us that “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that it all thingsGod may be praised through Jesus Christ……”

I’m thankful to God for my husband, Ben who has been instrumental in stirring in me a holy discontent to step out of my many confort zones and becoming all that I can be in Christ. You could say it is his tough love that will not allow me to remain nesting in my confort zone.

Ladies, the Kingdom of God is advancing with every woman of God serving in her unique sphere of influence!

Pastor Dinah Lee-Phua
Hope Church, Singapore
www.hopesingapore.org.sg