COMMUNICATION WITHIN FAMILY
Pastor Lai Ling is the wife of Dr Wilson Lim (founder of Hope Brisbane Christian Church & national chairman of Hope of God movement in
FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Loving communication is vital to the well being of family members. To promote wholeness and unity in a family, it is important to learn to communicate love in the language understood and felt by each family member.
Each individual in the family also has one’s own unique emotional tank. This emotional tank needs to be filled up regularly, so that each family member is able to feel the belonging, love and understanding within one’s family.
In the book written by Gary Chapman on the “Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapman suggested five love languages which are crucial in a family’s wellbeing. The five love languages are :
1. Words of Affirmation
These are positive words of encouragement, words of praise for a person’s specific good actions, words of affection towards a person’s character, attributes, sincere words of appreciation etc. These words give a person that sense of worth, sense of being valued, loved and admired for oneself. Such words can fill up the emotional tank in your spouse and children as they will feel more secure in your love. On the other hand, harsh, condemning speech should be avoided because it tears a person down
Children thrive on words of affirmation. My son, Daniel, feels greatly valued, accepted and loved when I helped him see that he is such a special individual.
Words like “ you are a wonderful helper, you have done your best and I am proud of you”, helps build healthy self esteem, security and confidence about himself.
Our spouse and children need to know that they are loved and accepted for who they are first, apart from their unique giftings and talents.
When words of affirmation are aptly spoken, they can greatly fill up our family members' emotional tanks.
2. Physical touch
This is a way of communicating our love and emotion, which when carried out at the appropriate time, place and manner can greatly enhance our spouse and children's emotional tanks . Physical touch such as a good warm hug, a pat on the shoulder etc. To exercise this love language , we need to learn the physical love language of the recipient. It is wise to be sensitive to the emotional climate of the person (for example the mood) and learn to be flexible in exercising this love language.
For example, when a child is young in age, he would be most eager to receive warm hugs and kisses from his mum and dad.
However as this boy grows to be a teenager, he would most likely prefer to be given a slight pat on the shoulder especially when he is in the presence of his peers. This young teenager may feel embarrassed if say mum was to hug him in front of his peers. However, when we are with family or close friends, this teenager may feel comfortable enough with being hugged by his mum.
The key is to be sensitive to our children's moods, attitude and also the occasion in which to show this love language.
3. Quality time
Quality time spent together involves providing focused undivided attention to people. It fills up our spouse's and children's emotional tanks because it shows to them that we are willing to take the time, to listen , to relate, being there to help them out. It indicates that we truly value our family members enough to give up our pressing engagements, precious time etc. In spending quality time, we need to be aware of the importance of connecting with our family members and develop quality communication.
This is a good opportunity to ask reflective questions (without being intrusive), listen for their feelings and seek to understand them.
Quality time spent between husband and wife is essential for the health of one's mariage as we are now living in a fast paced society. Hence it is important to take time to share joys and concerns and to listen to one other . Have you scheduled a specific time at least once in a week for your time together. As and when necessary, make time to listen to each other despite the busyness of life.
4. Acts of service
This form of love language involves providing assistance and care in very practical ways. It is a powerful mode of expressing emotional love when carried out with sincerity, loving kindness, and not acting under compulsion. It is crucial that one does not manipulate the situation where one does an act of service in return for another by the recipient. We should also choose wisely the acts of service we are providing.
In the context of our family, I enjoy looking after the entire family , whilst juggling with work commitments. My sons and my daughter have often appreciated me for cooking, washing, caring for them, organizing for our family etc.
Parents can also role model and guide one’s children. As children grow older , it is good for parents to teach them the lifestyle fundamentals . Washing plates and cups learning to cook, to tidy up, contributing to household duties , just to name a few. We can also ask our children what skills he/she desires to learn. We may also include those areas that we think would be good for our children to learn. By guiding our children this way, we are also showing them our love and care by teaching them life skills, which will enhance their identity and also their interdependence.
5. Gifts
Giving of gifts is a tangible way of communicating love to people. When we give a special gift to a person, it shows that we value him/her.
The gift is an expression of our emotional love towards that person. The size of the gift does not matter, what is more important is that it is given genuinely for the recipient.
For example, my maternal granny made me an exquisite piece of blanket 22 years ago. Special care was taken to trim the beautiful craft cloths into squares and sewn together. It took a lot of her time and effort. Each time I used it, it reminded me of my granny’s great love for me. Such a gift is an expression of my granny’s love language shown to me. The blanket is now used by my daughter who thoroughly cherishes it. To me it is an heirloom!
Dear friends, I would like to encourage you to discover the primary love languages of your spouse and family members. Discover for yourselves the best ways to communicate love to all in the family*
Reference : "Five Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman
*This article is taken from Inside Hope Newsletter
